


06. 25. '20. 4:14pm

by iirusu



Series: Where the Geese Fly and Bulls Cry [7]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Dialogue, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, POV First Person, Set in Colorado, but i feel like it would be better to just draw it since its hard to put into words, hint at trauma it only really makes sense if you read the others i guess, i wrote this a couple days after i relapsed so i might write about that, super vague mention of suicide its very brief though dw im fine, this is all over the place sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:14:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24918922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iirusu/pseuds/iirusu
Summary: And as we will splash around in the calm waters for many days, we will hold each other under in a painful grip and violently drown each other for many more.
Series: Where the Geese Fly and Bulls Cry [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1785916





	06. 25. '20. 4:14pm

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know what this is sorry

I had a thought today that maybe the creaking in my ceiling, is you. I’ve seen shadows slip past my peripheral vision and dance behind my eyes before, but never did I think it could be anything but something of a trick of the light or my imagination giving me a fright. But I thought today when a bang sounded from above me and I craned my neck for several minutes to just watch the ceiling, that I think I would feel better giving an identity to these sights and these noises. And what better identity than you? 

On those days when you’re far gone and curled far inside of yourself, I had always thought you just retreated back into my head. It’s been confusing, actually, having to differentiate between what I’m thinking and what you’re thinking when it seems that we’re two inside one space with thoughts overlapping and no way to communicate, so this feels easier. It feels easier to say that you just find your way up there and tiptoe for hours, creaking the boards and scratching the surface roughly until your short nails bleed. I’ve been looking at shadows and hearing strange noises differently now; they all just simply feel like you, everywhere I go. Everything I see, it’s you. 

And it’s strange at first because it feels like then I am suddenly seeing myself in everyone and every place I visit and every shot that comes into my view, since I’ve felt we were somewhat the same person for such a long time. It’s becoming easier to realize how different we are, while keeping in mind why you are part of me and why we’re here together, but I still have been catching myself in the last hour thinking that the scratching in my ceiling is still mice. The thought has always unnerved me, something being alive in my walls and above me, now that I have begun thinking that everything strange and out of place is just you, I think that I am becoming less afraid. 

Everything is ebbing away. It’s just you now. I find it difficult to put into words what makes us different, considering the fact that for twelve years I only had a vague awareness of you and had thought we were simply the same, but I think I am growing closer to an explanation. We are going to clash sometimes. I think of you and me as two people on opposite sides of a river, staring at each other with morbid curiosity and a challenging glint in our eyes. Sometimes we jump into the water and cross over to the other side or meet in the middle. And as we will splash around in the calm waters for many days, we will hold each other under in a painful grip and violently try to drown each other for many more. You’ve always been winning at that nowadays, and I find myself more often than not questioning if I feel too heavy from the water filling my lungs. You’ve forced a lot out of me and I’ve done plenty in return, and in the following days, I wonder if you’ll really kill me first. I’m leaving on a trip with my family, to be in a car for a day with her and sleep in her same bed at the cabin. I know you aren’t happy. So I really wonder, will you kill me first? 

A few nights ago, we brinked, for the first time since last year, and I really thought the river would be rid of us for good this time. We ended up sleeping, curled and shivering in the mud on the slope down to the water, and I remember you stared at me for a while, wondering how it got this bad. When I blinked we were back in my room with you sitting across from me on the bed, gingerly taking the blade into your hands with big doe eyes and a shaking frame. Your voice did a sad little thing and you slipped the edge under the bedside table, the act looking like it took you a great effort. I almost snorted at that, but I was so tired and my head was pounding so much that I’d thought I would die just from any exertion. You didn’t say anything for a while after, you just took my hands with a soft expression, and I could feel the sympathy coming. But, it didn’t. 

You lifted both our heads and stared in silence for a moment before saying, “You didn’t change.” 

I choked when I took in a breath and started in a panic to disprove what you’d said, before realizing that I was alone in the room. You were wrong. You couldn’t just leave, you were  _ wrong,  _ and I had to tell you as much, but I couldn’t see you. There weren’t even shadows, no creaking from above, and it dawned on me that you were nowhere to be found here. You weren’t in the river anymore. And I realized that I’d said that out loud, to myself. I’d said out loud that I never changed. I’m exactly who I was last year; a pathetic coward. And if I’m still the same, then, you wouldn’t be here. I sit for a while on my bed and think that perhaps it was just my own mind this whole time. There was no  _ two, _ there was no separate person, it was just something I’d made up this entire time to entertain the idea that I had someone with me always. So, you never existed. You never existed?

**Author's Note:**

> im going to write about a dream i had next and probably add illustrations too


End file.
